I don’t usually like to put the personal aspects of my life out in the open for people to speculate on. I prefer to keep certain things about myself private and only share with a select few friends. However, I’ve been noticing things about myself recently. Up until this past November I was in a nearly three year long relationship, I mentioned in an earlier post that it ended pretty badly. At the time I did not see how I could possibly ever be okay again. This boy had been such a huge part of my life for so long. I’d spent all this time letting him love me and loving him that I did not remember how to love myself.
I went to a very bad place both mentally and emotionally for quite some time. To be perfectly honest during the last five months of the relationship I was already partially in that bad place. Somehow it got worse once it actually ended, even though it was a long time coming. I tried so hard to get him to stay with me, that in and of itself was damaging. I let him walk all over me all in an attempt to make him happy. I didn’t value myself, I didn’t think I was worth anything without him. It took several friends, many months and removing him from every aspect of my life for me to get to the point I am at now.
What sparked this entire post is a song. Well really just one lyric of the song, it got stuck in my head and I could not remember where it had come from. Naturally, I googled it. The lyric belonged to one of the songs that I had considered “ours.” The same best friend who told me that the world needs my words had once told me: “take the things that remind you of him, and make them yours.” I must say I do not think I could have made it through the breakup as unscathed as I did without him, he and a few others were there for me through every meltdown.
Well I found the song and I sat here for several minutes trying to decide whether I should listen to it or whether I should continue to avoid that artist all together. I decided it would be a good test of how well I’m doing, so I played the song. Time is an amazing thing. A few months ago listening to any song from this particular album would have sent me into hysterics, but here I am, listening to the entire album as I write about how much I’ve grown.
It’s been seven months now, and I’ve gone from an emotional headcase back to the calm happy version of myself that everyone seems to know me by. I won’t lie, some days are harder than others, and for a while there all I wanted to do was sleep, because any nightmare was better than waking up and having to face all the pain I was going through. But face it I did, and somehow I’m finally able to say “I’m okay” and mean it. I don’t know what the rest of this year holds for me, or the rest of my life for that matter. Looking back I think I can confidently say that it was a learning experience, though not one I would care to repeat, that’s for sure.
I’ve listened to nearly the whole album now and the thing that I’m happiest about is that it hasn’t made me miss him, not even once. That isn’t to say I don’t care, I hope whatever he’s doing makes him happy, I hope he can find the peace that I’ve found. I hope he finds someone that is right for him because now, looking at things with a clear head, I can see that not only was he not right for me, I was not right for him.
Sometimes I do get a pang in my chest, I wonder if I wasted three years on him. I mean, here I am, I put so much effort and energy and so much of myself into that relationship. What have I got to show for it? But I’ve since learned how to better love myself, take care of myself and I learned to ask for help when I need it. So although I don’t miss him, and I know I could never go back to what had ended up becoming a toxic relationship, I don’t regret it. It was right for me at the time, I grew from it and I’m better for it.